A day.

August 28th, 2015. A day I’ll never, ever forget…

Have you ever felt completely torn between two emotions- pulled in two different directions until you thought you’d literally snap in half? That’s exactly what happened for me on August 28th, and I remember every single little detail of it.

It had been a long 8 years for us… trying, trying, trying to make a family with no luck, cursing infertility every dreaded month. We finally had enough money for IVF and started the whole process in June. And I was petrified. Needles and chemicals and vulnerability, and probing and prodding and what ifs. All of the what ifs.

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God was at the center of it ALL.

I held tight to my faith.. that God had brought us to, and through this place for a reason.
There had to be a reason, and I trusted Him. On the eve of the 28th, my little calendar calmed my nerves some, reading, Those who know Your name will trust in You, for You, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You. Psalm 9:10 I looked for Him everywhere.. through the tears, the pain, the struggle, and the heartache, I looked for Him every single day.

The morning of the 28th, my dad drove me for blood work (Cory was out-of-town) and we talked Bible stories the whole way there- particularly the one about Paul and Silas and how their praises and songs to God demolished walls and broke chains of the prison they were in. They sang praises to God, trusted Him through their struggle, and expected Him to show up.  I didn’t understand the significance of this, of us talking about that specific story, until later that night.

When I got back home, I went into what would be a nursery with my grandmother’s Bible and had a long talk with God. I wanted Him to know that even though I would be devastated if it hadn’t worked, I would still trust Him. That I wouldn’t be mad at Him, and that I would be grateful for it ALL.. no matter what. No matter what. Every single day.

My phone rang at 10:56am.. it was the doctor’s office. I could hear my nurse smiling through the phone, and I knew. She said five words that changed our lives forever… “Congratulations! You are definitely pregnant!” The next few minutes in my house alone were a trip.. and if there was a fly on the wall, he was laughing hard at me! I was running around my house like a crazy lady, crying, laughing, and thanking Jesus for this precious life growing inside of me! I spent about 30 minutes thanking Him before I ever told a soul, and have thanked Him every single day since. Thank you, Jesus! I will sing your praises forever!

IMG_2804Cory was in a tournament and I knew he wouldn’t have his phone on for a few more hours, so I devised a last-minute plan of how I’d tell my closest two people until I could talk to him. I set up my phone and took this picture to text to my sister and my cousin. (You’d think I would have already had something planned, but I was intentional about not getting ahead of myself.. for my heart’s sake.) I snapped it and text both of them… the best news they’d heard all day, for sure! This was what we’d all been praying for…  every single day.

I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him. 1 Samuel 1:27

Thank you, Jesus, for this blessed day!

I decided to tell my parents in person, so I grabbed the “Thankful” onesie we’d kept in our hope chest for our miracle baby, and hopped in the car! I was crying and laughing, and thanking God the whole way there… and so glad that the onesie I had said it all, because I probably would not be able to talk once I walked through their door!

I set my phone on video record to capture their reactions, walked up the walkway, and looking through the storm door that day… my whole life changed. Again. I certainly couldn’t talk, but not for the reasons I had first thought. I won’t go into all the details of what happened next, but you can read about it here if you want… A Moment. 

Long story short, the happiest day of my life was also one of the worst. My momma almost died that day, but God kept her here with us for nearly 8 more months, and I’m eternally grateful for those days with her. But I remember standing in the ICU that afternoon as family came in one by one.. we were all crying tears of pure joy for our confirmed pregnancy, along with tears of fear for my momma’s critical condition. Thanking God for answered prayers, while praying new ones for her healing.

I guess what I’m getting at here is how one single day, one rotation on the Earth’s axis, can change your whole life forever. And how just one single day can put your whole life into perspective… whether it be long-awaited dreams made into reality, or gut wrenching pain with no end in sight.

It seemed our 8 years of struggling with infertility were just that.. so much pain through so many days, but also joyful for the paths God had led us down along the way. The day I found out I was pregnant was the most amazing day, I was filled with so much love and hope because of God’s promise, and then when I saw my mom fighting for her life, I was filled with fear, doubt, and pain. Each day of my pregnancy was also filled with mixed emotions.. so joyful for each passing day, but so helpless watching my mom struggle.IMG_6454

And then the ultimate tug of war.

The day our girls were born, April 12th, was the best day of my life. But it was also the hardest because my mom passed just three weeks before, she was watching from Heaven. Each day since has been a joyful struggle as I watch my beautiful miracles grow while learning to be a mother, but my heart aches so bad for my own mother. I wish she was here to teach me the things only mothers know. I wish she was here to rock my girls. I wish I could call her and ask for advice. I wish she was here to tell me it will all be okay, even on the hardest of days. I wish she was here to tell me she’s proud, and that I’m doing a good job. Some days I wonder if I’m making her proud, am I doing a good job? and then I look into my girls’ beautiful eyes and I know my momma already gave me all that I need.. pure, unconditional, everlasting love.  I know she’s proud of me, and I will tell my girls all about their KK every single day.

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We walked the beach & took this photo just days before we found out I was pregnant, before we ever knew there was more than one baby growing inside of me, and I remind myself of this every single day. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me. 2 Timothy 4:17 Expect Miracles.

There hasn’t been a day since my Momma passed that I haven’t cried for her, the pain is real and it’s there every single day, but the strength inside of me is indescribable. I feel God pulling me through this with each passing moment, and when I’m really sad & overcome with grief, I feel my Mom telling me that she’s okay, and she’s happy, and that she’ll be with me and my girls every single day.

I try not to questions God’s actions, or why this all happened the way it did, I trust Him and I know it’s all for a purpose, it’s all apart of God’s will. And just like Paul and Silas did that night, I will praise God through it ALL.. because I know He’s mighty. He can tear down walls, He can break chains, and He can heal hearts. He’s given us so many wonderful gifts & miracles in the past 365 days, so on this day, and every single day, I will praise and thank Him for them all.

Thank you, Lord, for being with us through the joy and the pain. Every single day. ❀

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